The Milk Dud Incident

By S.M. Westerlie

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

~Victor Borge 

I yanked my shoes on and sprinted out the front door. If I didn't hurry, I'd miss the bus. At fourteen years old, when you have a date and nobody to drive you, missing the bus is a big deal.

Missing that bus was not an option. I'd been interested in the opposite sex since kindergarten, and finally, male attention had begun wandering in my lanky blond direction. I'd waited so long!

My home was an hour south of Seattle, traffic on I-5 considered. "That might buy me time if I miss the bus," I thought, since my boyfriend was driving south himself to meet me there. I raced from my neighborhood to the main road, with still enough time to feel my legs to make sure they were properly shaven, even though there was no chance anyone would be touching them. I inhaled deeply — not to relax, but to test whether I'd worked up a pungent sweat.

I arrived at the bus stop on time and I didn't stink. Oh, sweet success! Little did I know, it wasn't the bus I should have been worried about. I arrived at the movie theater before my date and before our two friends, who'd be joining us. It was overcast outside. I waited in comfort by a fountain, admiring its iridescent mosaic detailing, enjoying the breeze and occasional smattering of drizzle.

Joshua showed up in a leather jacket. You can't go wrong in one of those. His honey eyes and a laid-back style were exactly as I remembered. He and I had already bought our tickets and candy when Cory and Hannah showed up. They were friends from church — our age — who'd been together more than a year. Joshua and I had only seen each other three times total.

We all sat down together and whispered through the previews. Josh offered me Milk Duds right before the movie began. If there's something you should know about me, it's this: I do not refuse candy. He might as well have forfeited the entire box. A few pieces rolled out of my hand as he poured. That was no trouble at all; I swiped my seat for the runaways and devoured them.

Almost two hours later, our group left the theater. We waited in the lobby for our rides.

"Uh, you should go to the bathroom," Hannah blurted out randomly.

"I don't have to go to the bathroom, but thanks," I replied.

Cory and Joshua circled behind me and laughed. "No, you should really go to the bathroom," Josh reiterated.

"I don't need..." I began, but he interrupted me, forcefully suggesting I go.

Once in the bathroom, I realized I had missed a Milk Dud. It had melted onto the seam of my pants, in the absolute worst spot imaginable. "Oh no," I chuckled, half-embarrassed, half-amused. "Have I been walking around like this?" I brushed the candy off and tied Joshua's sweater around my waist. He'd tossed it to me on my way in, and it was now obvious why. Unfortunately, from that point forward, Hannah often called me "Dudley Doo-Pants." On the bright side, Joshua asked me out again, and soon after the Milk Dud incident, became my first serious boyfriend.

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