The Butterfly in Me

By Betsy Jackman

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.

~Richard Bach

A year ago in January, I was riding the train home as usual when I remembered that a friend at work had given me her newspaper because it had an article she thought I'd enjoy. I honestly don't remember what the article was, but I was glad to have something to read for my hour-plus ride home from downtown. I hadn't read the paper in quite some time. I opened it up to the comics section. Immediately, my eyes were drawn to the Family Circus cartoon. It was a picture of the little girl character standing by her mother's lap. It read, "Mommy, do caterpillars know they become butterflies, or does God surprise them?" Wow! I thought. I read it again to myself. I felt I could write a whole dissertation on that question. I was so meant to see that.

Instantly, I knew I was in a metamorphosis stage myself. I'd just hired a spiritual life coach to focus on my life with greater intention, focus and meaning. Hiring that coach was a significant move on my part. Life had become very frustrating to me. I was miserable and yet felt close to turning a corner for good. I believed that having a life coach would get me back on track — the best possible investment for my overall well-being and happiness. He was a major splurge, but I knew it would pay off tenfold.

Days later, when I was perusing a catalog with the intention of finding a piece of jewelry my husband could get me for Valentine's Day, I stumbled across a butterfly ring. It took my breath away. It was perfect, and it would be my Valentine's Day present. This was an extra special Valentine's Day because that week we were completing a second round of in-vitro fertilization (IVF). It was our second and last attempt. After eight years of trying for kids, including the discovery of a very serious thyroid condition resulting in thyroid cancer and multiple fertility treatments, I had decided I was putting all of my fertilized eggs in one basket. This was it. If it didn't work, my husband and I would have a fun life traveling, playing lots of golf, and enjoying ourselves. We would be happy either way. Kids would be like gravy, we always said. Deep down inside, I really wanted to be a mom, though. I so wanted to raise a child, positively influence that child's life, and learn from him or her.

Our first attempt at IVF the year before had been bleak. We were told that the four fertilized eggs we had didn't stand much of a chance, so it was no surprise when I didn't become pregnant. This time around, though, after working with my coach, I felt I was in a good place to give this IVF thing one more shot. The coaching work I'd been doing made my soul feel pregnant with new life and new perspectives. In previous months, I'd been shedding a lot of dead skin — layers upon layers of ill-serving beliefs. I was ripe, and I knew it wholeheartedly. Two weeks after Valentine's Day, I learned I was pregnant. I was about to become a butterfly! A true miracle had occurred.

At my first ultrasound at six weeks, we learned that the embryo had split in two — we would be parents of identical twins! Another miracle had occurred. Sophia (meaning wisdom) Skye and Grace Isabella joined this world in August of last year.

A year after that special Valentine's Day ring purchase, I found it sitting in my jewelry drawer. I had forgotten about that ring because I'd had to remove my rings from my swollen pregnant hands and tucked them away. My eyes lit up when I rediscovered that favorite butterfly ring.

I immediately popped it on my finger. We were a family of butterflies now! A family. How fortunate I was. I looked down at the ring on my hand again and gasped. The beautiful iridescent center stone of my butterfly ring was surrounded on either side by two peridot stones, the August birthstone. One for Sophie and one for Grace.

This one-time caterpillar was masterfully surprised once again.

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