By Cheryl Kirking
Most of us are like snowflakes trying to be like each other, yet knowing full well that no two snowflakes are ever identical.
~William E. Elliott
"He is such an easy baby because his mother was happy during her pregnancy."
Most of us are like snowflakes trying to be like each other, yet knowing full well that no two snowflakes are ever identical.
~William E. Elliott
"He is such an easy baby because his mother was happy during her pregnancy."
"He was a fussy baby because his mother was tense when she was pregnant."
"She's such a shy child because her older brother is so overbearing."
Have you ever heard similar attempts to explain a child's personality? Environmental circumstances, such as birth order and parenting styles, certainly play a role in affecting behavior. But my triplets, although raised in the same environment, were born with very different personalities. Although we can do a lot to shape our children, we also need to recognize that they come to us not merely to be "molded," but to be "unfolded" — to bring out the best in each child's unique personality.
My two boys and a girl were born within minutes of each other. In the early years of their lives, they shared a bedroom, wore each others' clothes, ate the same food, came into contact with the same people, listened to the same stories and music, and breathed the same air. Because they happened to be part of a four-year medical study of premature babies, evaluations revealed they were also very similar in their physical and cognitive development.
Yet their personality differences delight and sometimes amaze us! While I strive to be consistent and fair, they each have different wants and needs that I take into consideration. I've learned that a "cookie-cutter" approach to raising kids doesn't work, and it isn't fair to my children to try to fit them into the same mold.
For instance, when my kids were four years old, they decorated gingerbread man cookies at Christmas time. Three pairs of little hands were washed. Three little aprons were tied around three excited "bakers." I divided the cookies equally and placed dishes of colored frosting, gumdrops, candy sprinkles, and M&Ms on the table, then gave them each three gingerbread men to decorate.
Fun-loving Bryce immediately began slathering frosting with wild abandon, cramming as many candies on his cookies as possible. This bothered Sarah Jean, who likes things more controlled. She began wailing, "Mommy, make him stop! He's using all the candy up. Stop him!" I quickly intervened, dividing the candies equally.
Meanwhile, thoughtful Blake hadn't yet begun his decorating.
"Blakey, how are you going to decorate your cookies?" I asked.
"I don't know yet," he said. Analytical by nature, he needed time to think about it.
"Blake," I said, "you can decorate them any way you want to. There's no right or wrong way to decorate cookies."
"Will you help me get the face right?" he asked.
"Honey, you can do it. There's no right or wrong way to decorate a cookie."
"But I want it right!" he insisted. So I guided his hand with mine, and we carefully made the eyes, nose, mouth, and hair.
"Now you decorate the body." And he did, with a single yellow M&M "button," perfectly centered on his gingerbread man.
"Don't you want to put anything more on your cookie?" I asked.
"No," he said. "I want to wipe my hands now so I can go play Legos."
"What about your other two cookies? Don't you want to decorate them?"
"Nope," he answered happily. "I like this one!" And off he scampered to his "work" of building with his Legos. After all, he had created his perfect cookie; to make any more would simply be redundant.
"I'll take his candy," Bryce immediately volunteered.
"No, Mommy!" Sarah Jean squawked. "Divide them!"
Three peas in a pod? Hardly.
My children have shown me that every child is a unique individual, a miracle that can't be duplicated. Each has been given a separate body, personality, and soul, divinely chosen. Each is a holy miracle of God.
"She's such a shy child because her older brother is so overbearing."
Have you ever heard similar attempts to explain a child's personality? Environmental circumstances, such as birth order and parenting styles, certainly play a role in affecting behavior. But my triplets, although raised in the same environment, were born with very different personalities. Although we can do a lot to shape our children, we also need to recognize that they come to us not merely to be "molded," but to be "unfolded" — to bring out the best in each child's unique personality.
My two boys and a girl were born within minutes of each other. In the early years of their lives, they shared a bedroom, wore each others' clothes, ate the same food, came into contact with the same people, listened to the same stories and music, and breathed the same air. Because they happened to be part of a four-year medical study of premature babies, evaluations revealed they were also very similar in their physical and cognitive development.
Yet their personality differences delight and sometimes amaze us! While I strive to be consistent and fair, they each have different wants and needs that I take into consideration. I've learned that a "cookie-cutter" approach to raising kids doesn't work, and it isn't fair to my children to try to fit them into the same mold.
For instance, when my kids were four years old, they decorated gingerbread man cookies at Christmas time. Three pairs of little hands were washed. Three little aprons were tied around three excited "bakers." I divided the cookies equally and placed dishes of colored frosting, gumdrops, candy sprinkles, and M&Ms on the table, then gave them each three gingerbread men to decorate.
Fun-loving Bryce immediately began slathering frosting with wild abandon, cramming as many candies on his cookies as possible. This bothered Sarah Jean, who likes things more controlled. She began wailing, "Mommy, make him stop! He's using all the candy up. Stop him!" I quickly intervened, dividing the candies equally.
Meanwhile, thoughtful Blake hadn't yet begun his decorating.
"Blakey, how are you going to decorate your cookies?" I asked.
"I don't know yet," he said. Analytical by nature, he needed time to think about it.
"Blake," I said, "you can decorate them any way you want to. There's no right or wrong way to decorate cookies."
"Will you help me get the face right?" he asked.
"Honey, you can do it. There's no right or wrong way to decorate a cookie."
"But I want it right!" he insisted. So I guided his hand with mine, and we carefully made the eyes, nose, mouth, and hair.
"Now you decorate the body." And he did, with a single yellow M&M "button," perfectly centered on his gingerbread man.
"Don't you want to put anything more on your cookie?" I asked.
"No," he said. "I want to wipe my hands now so I can go play Legos."
"What about your other two cookies? Don't you want to decorate them?"
"Nope," he answered happily. "I like this one!" And off he scampered to his "work" of building with his Legos. After all, he had created his perfect cookie; to make any more would simply be redundant.
"I'll take his candy," Bryce immediately volunteered.
"No, Mommy!" Sarah Jean squawked. "Divide them!"
Three peas in a pod? Hardly.
My children have shown me that every child is a unique individual, a miracle that can't be duplicated. Each has been given a separate body, personality, and soul, divinely chosen. Each is a holy miracle of God.
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