Unwrapping the Present

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Think Positive

BY: Tsgoyna Tanzman

A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances,
but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
~Hugh Downs


I lay snugly in bed trying, yet again, to figure out what to do with my life. "God, what would you have me do? Where would you have me go?"

Too impatient to wait for His response, my mind catalogued everything I expected to hear: "Fight World Hunger." "Save the Children." "Stop Global Warming."

Yet I distinctly heard, "Go to Costco."

"Excuse me? Costco? Really?"

Not that I underestimate the spiritual value of seventy-five rolls of toilet paper, but maybe my to-do list got tangled up in my spiritual call. So I tried again.

"God, what would you have me do today? Where would you have me go?"

No doubt about it -- "Costco" was His answer.

Frankly, I was relieved. Costco seemed infinitely more manageable than fighting world hunger, especially since I had to be home before 3:00 PM.

"If you have the nagging suspicion that you're wasting your life," Marianne Williamson, the spiritual teacher, once said, "it's because you are." Our house renovation, which had been my "job" for over a year, was finally finished and I now volunteered only minimally since my daughter had entered middle school. In short, I found myself suddenly out of work with that nagging suspicion Marianne talked about. Admittedly my ego yearned to own a cocktail-party sound bite that would impress when someone inevitably asked, "So what are you up to?"

"Uh... nothing."

In great need of an identity makeover, I'd begun reading spiritual books. What struck me was how often someone found her calling or purpose in life by waking each morning and asking God, "What would you have me do today? Where would you have me go?"

Truthfully it all seemed a little hooey. Could I really dial God 911 and get an answer?

But okay, I'd go with the flow. Maybe this Costco gig was my audition. If God saw that I could handle family hunger, he might give me a go at the world one day.

So I got out of bed and dressed for Costco.

Being Day One of my God-given duty, I approached my calling in, let's just say, a more godly way. Instead of weaving my shopping cart NASCAR-style through the aisles, running intersections, and whizzing through the less busy thoroughfares, I yielded. I turned off my cell phone and gave up being smug about multi-tasking, which I discovered enabled me to remember all of the items I came in for. But as I waited in the checkout line my foot tapped anxiously. I still had to go to the cleaners, the post office and the library and be home in thirty-five minutes. My heart raced faster. Breathe. Be here. Be present.

I redirected my thoughts to my feet and felt them ground me to the earth. As I breathed, tension evaporated. I became less stressed. I felt an opening of grace. I felt lighter.

I arrived home and unloaded my packed SUV. Normally, I'd moan about having to make multiple trips up two flights of stairs, including lugging a three-gallon jug of laundry detergent, but today I found gratitude. First, I was grateful I had the money to buy everything I did. Second, I was thankful my arms and legs were strong enough to haul my goods, and third, I was mindful we now had food for dinner and lunches and I could tackle the piles of laundry that had accumulated.

Gratitude was beginning to run rampant. The more present I became, the more I grasped how blessed I was. I was grateful I had appliances and that they worked. I was grateful every time I turned on the faucet and clean water came out. I was grateful I had a family to cook and clean for. Had my newly found gratitude not caused so much serenity, it could've been downright annoying.

"What's up with you?" my daughter asked, eyeing me suspiciously, as she dropped her book bag and kicked off her shoes. "You look weirdly happy."

I was happy. Not weirdly, just simply.

Being grateful -- can that be a calling? My life's purpose?

My husband arrived home earlier than expected.

"Hi," I chirped.

His face was slack and drained of color, his eyes glazed with that "I have something to tell you but I don't want to" expression.

"My job's been 'downsized.' I haven't been fired, but I don't have a job."

I felt the panic of the unknown future surging through my body. What's going to happen? What now? What if? My body tightened. I felt ill.

Okay, gratitude's pretty easy when your pocket's full and the sun is shining, but I wasn't ready for this so soon. Now what, God? This was only my first day on the job.

Then it hit me. God didn't send me to Costco to find toilet paper, and the gratitude thing was really just a warm-up. What he sent me to find was presence.

I'd gotten it wrong. It wasn't God, what would you have me do? It was God, what would you have me be?

Be present. Be in this moment. Be.

I took a grounding breath and hugged my husband, absorbing the warmth of his body. As I stood in that present moment unwrapped, uncontested and accepted for simply what is, I understood that all we ever truly have is the present. Maintaining gratitude, faith and presence were actions I could choose now. Faith is knowing the moon is always full even if I see only a sliver or none at all. And from this deep place of awareness I knew we were, and would be, all right.